by admin | 30 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn’t it? A thick skin and a soft heart. Why then is it so difficult to achieve? Most people fall primarily into one of two main categories, and this is a gross generalisation. They are primarily soft-hearted and are more focussed on others, or they have a thick-skin and are harder to upset and offend. Which side of the ledger do you fall? For me, I have always had a soft heart, but pretended to have a thick skin. The most vulnerable type of person there is.
What can I say, I am a softy? I care about people, and I worry about what they think of me. Developing a thick skin has always been a tougher gig for me, even though I put up a pretty good front. I mean when you come into a professional sporting arena, you had better develop a thick skin pretty quickly or you are gone! I did a great job pretending that the criticising of coaches, the taunts of teammates and the abuse of opposing players and fans didn’t bother me. It did.
When I became a school teacher in my early twenties, I pretended I was this tough teacher and that the attitudes and behaviours of teenagers testing me and trying to push my buttons didn’t upset me. It did. When I became a personal trainer and started working in a fun but often ridiculing gym environment, I pretended the jokes about me didn’t affect me, because I would send them straight back. But, again, they did. There is no doubt, I was, I am and I will always be a soft, sooky-la-la, mama’s boy which I would never change because I love that sensitive part of me! However, I have also started to develop a thicker skin, which I believe is critical, to survive in the world we live in.
A real turning point for me happened at the end of 2019. I wrote a blog about this traumatic event, but had to take it down because of the possible repercussions. Now, two years later, I am happy to reshare it. It was in December 2019, and I was to present the third session to a group at a not-for-profit organisation. I was warned, before presenting the three sessions to three different groups, that they may be tough crowds. The first session was to a largely unresponsive audience, but not too tough. The second session was to a very responsive and positive group, so I approached session three with confidence and positive expectancy.
Wham! I was not prepared for what I got. From the beginning of the session and pretty much all the way through, I was heckled, bullied, questioned, and cajoled by one lady in the audience. I didn’t handle it well at all. It shook me, and as the session progressed, my confidence was sliding, my performance was waning, this lady tasted blood in the water, and went in for the kill. I clawed my way to the end of the session feeling embarrassed, belittled and, at the time, seriously questioning my ability as a speaker and my knowledge of the content I had been presenting for years.
I drove away feeling sick in my stomach, and like a miserable failure. But then, do you know what? Something changed inside me. I thought to myself, Wait a minute mate. You have presented that content hundreds of times and had a positive response every time, except today. Are you going to let one person, who obviously does not feel good about herself, make you feel like a failure? No way! All of a sudden, I felt differently. At that moment, I felt my skin thicken and no longer was I impacted by that lady’s behaviour. The other amazing thing that happened was that, instead of resenting and being angry with her, I felt empathy for her. She must have been going through some significant trauma in her life to treat me the way she did. In that moment, I discovered a thick skin and a soft heart.
Why am I telling you this story? Simply because, if you want an amazing 2022 and beyond, and I am sure you do, both elements are essential. You will know if you have a soft heart and a thin skin, you are often offended and fearful of trying new things. You will also know, if you have a thick skin without empathy for others, your relationships and consequently the things you are aspiring to, will be negatively impacted. For true success and joy in life, we need a balance of both. In my amazing podcast this week with Steve Pinner called Backbone and heart, we discuss this every topic, among other things.
By the time you are reading this blog it will be 2022. A new year, a new page, and a new opportunity to let go of the things that are holding you back to truly move forward to live your best life. I wish the very best for you this year and hope that you can develop a thick skin and a soft heart.
by admin | 24 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
I am in the process of writing my ninth book, which has a working title, The Male Machine. It is a book about men, for men and women to help us all understand men better, and hopefully navigate and negotiate the struggles and pitfalls men face on a daily basis. The chapter I am writing at the moment is all about damaging male stereotypes. The male stereotype that has possibly had the most destructive impact on my life is the shut-up-keep-it-to-yourself-no-one-want-to-hear-your-problems mindset.
I was an insecure child and person for much of my life, so, as a result, I was scared to speak my truth, share my concerns and be vulnerable because I believed I would be judged and condemned. Couple that with the male stereotype that states, just tough it out, don’t show weakness and keep it to yourself. Can you see the problems that can arise from this mindset?
I was the kind of guy who, when you asked me, how was my day? I would reply with Good. I was the guy, when asked what is wrong, I’d reply with, Nothing, even if it was plastered all over my face that something was wrong. I felt enormous pressure every time I was in a situation to have a conversation, whether one-on-one with someone or in a social setting. So, I avoided them or, if I had to be there, I would make sure I had drunk enough alcohol to give me the confidence to talk with lower inhibitions. That way I didn’t care as much about what I said. In fact, consequently I spent a lot of time as a young adult apologising the next day to people for inappropriate things I said whilst under the influence.
This is a dangerous stereotype that will devastate your life, in many ways. Firstly, it will have a crushing effect on your relationships, as it did mine. I am sitting here with three marriages and three divorces, with firsthand perspective to give you painful evidence of that. I never shared my feelings and I rarely spoke up when I was unhappy. Instead, I put on my mask and pretended everything was okay, when clearly it was not. You know what happens when you cover up an issue, or try to avoid a feeling, don’t you? It will set off a ticking time bomb, that will absolutely explode at some point. Unless it is diffused earlier, of course.
Well, my time bomb exploded in my face several times, leaving a devastating mess in its wake. Not only was it a large part of the reason for my three marriages, three divorces and many broken hearts, but there was another heart shattering revelation I faced. It came a couple of years after my beautiful mother had passed away. My father found her journals in a box and gave them to me to borrow with an invitation to read any or all of them, if I wanted to. As we know, people wear masks and try to cover up the deep pain and insecurities they don’t want others to see. We all do it, and I have spoken ad nauseum about the masks I wore.
I didn’t realise my mother was wearing a mask until I read one of the journals. In fact, the decision to read even one journal was a hard one to make. I sat there looking at the box of journals thinking, this is really not my business. But my desire to hear her voice again through her written word was strong, so I picked one up and started flicking through it. As I saw my name, I closed it and put it down, thinking again, this is none of my business. However, my curiosity was too strong to resist and so I picked it up again and read. As I read just a few paragraphs, my heart shattered, and tears filled up my eyes.
This male stereotype I had lived with for so long has caused nothing but devastating problems in my life, and now this! In that journal I read about my mother’s desire to talk with me on a deeper level, and her own frustration and pain as a result of my unwillingness to share my fears, insecurities and feelings with her. She wanted to talk with me about her journey, her experiences and her own fears and insecurities, but I avoided it because I was terrified to hear the truth of her illness, and to share how I really felt. So, I never told her how I felt, and she never got the chance to tell me. Can you imagine the pain and regret that filled my heart as I read those words?
Enough about the regrets. It is a new day, a fresh season, and the time to start to speak your truth. As you celebrate this festive season, I encourage you to make honesty and vulnerability the gift you give yourself and others. I am a different man, in a different place in my life now that I can openly share my truth, my insecurities, and my vulnerabilities. It is a powerfully uplifting experience and will bring you closer to yourself and to the people you care about most.
Yes, it is the season for joy. Yes, it is the season for celebration. Yes, it is the season for eating and indulging? Yes, it is the season for resting and renewing. Yes, it is the season for reflection. Yes, it is the season for family. Please, for your sake and the people you love, make it also the season for honesty. Have a wonderful holiday season.
PS This week’s podcast with Perry Venakis, called ‘Tis the season to be healthy‘ is all about eating mindfully at this time of the year. Couple your season with honesty and health and see what happens. My love and wishes to you and your family.
by admin | 18 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
That is an awesome question! It is certainly better than the various questions many people ask themselves. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do it? Why is it so hard? Why are so many things impossible? Have you ever caught yourself asking any or all of these questions and wondering why you are still stuck in life? Why not try the very best question you can ask: so, what is possible?
In fact, Helen Mac, my inspiring guest on this week’s podcast, Optimise your life, calls it the power question. She has spent her life teaching about optimism and optimising lives, and her optimism was severely tested after losing her husband of 30 years, four years ago. How she applied her optimism process in her own situation is inspiring and I recommend wholeheartedly that you listen to this podcast if you haven’t already.
The key premise of her process is to get rid of ‘not possible’ and ask, ‘what is possible?’ It is really the source of success and happiness in every area of life. As Helen explains, when we say to ourselves that something is not possible, then our brain shuts down and doesn’t even look for an answer. Why would it? When we have stated that it is not possible. There is no point searching for a solution if we don’t believe one is there. On the fabulous flip side, when we ask, so, what is possible? our brain goes to work scanning our files, which have been there for our lifetime, to find the possible answers and solutions. It’s an amazing phenomenon, and it is triggered by that one simple question.
Many years ago, I was supremely fit. In fact, you might even say I was maniacally one-eyed and obsessive about my fitness level. Most people would shake their heads and look at me in disbelief when I would tell them what I had done or was about to do. A memory came flooding back to me this morning when I trained at a location that I had been many times before when I was a personal trainer. Now, that I have moved back closer to the beach, I am making the most of it. This morning I rode my bike to train with a friend at the beach. At this spot there is a very challenging set of beach stairs, leading from the cliff top down to the beach. One flight has 100 steps.
As I stood at the top of those stairs looking down, I reminisced about a time when I would run at least twenty flights non-stop. Come to think of it, it may even have been forty. Any hoo, it was a lot. As I stood at the top of the stairs this morning, looking down to the beach, I thought to myself, I couldn’t do that now! Then, I caught myself, gave myself a metaphorical slap, and asked: okay, forty flights today may not be a sensible first step after this many years, so, what is possible? What a great question. All of a sudden, I devised a little circuit with my friend, that incorporated a few flights of stairs and then some other exercises. I ended up doing three circuits which included twelve flights of stairs. I felt a little tired but great. So, now I believe, with a progressive and sensible approach – something I need to develop – forty flights are definitely possible.
What a wonderful word ‘possibility’ is. It immediately turns impossible into possible. The reason is because it turns on your reticular activating system (RAS), which is your brain’s way of seeking, searching, and finding answers, solutions and possibility. It is your success radar, and you turn it on by simply asking, so, what is possible? What are you struggling with right now? What are you saying to yourself is not possible? Are you thinking it is not possible to lose weight, save money, resolve a conflict, or get past your writer’s block? Trust me, it is. You are just saying the wrong stuff to yourself. Instead of thinking how hard it is, or why it is not possible, just think about what is possible.
Helen Mac overcame one of the greatest tragedies of her life by asking that question. I conquered the terrifying stairs by asking that question. Every great discovery, invention, business, or other success came about when things look tough, but the person simply asked, so, what is possible. I want to encourage you to start asking that question every day, then you will see what is truly possible for you.
by admin | 10 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
Have you ever found yourself in a tricky situation and you really don’t know any way to solve it? Have you ever felt stuck, trapped, or lost, with no way out? Have you ever felt helpless, hopeless, and alone? Well, I found myself feeling all of those things in a unique situation this week. I am very grateful that I said to myself, and actually believed, there has to be a solution to this dilemma.
As I mentioned in last week’s blog, I have just moved into a new home. When you move, there is always an adjustment period, especially for pets. My little fluffy-faced daughter, Joia, has taken a little time to get used to the new place. This was made very clear to me one-night last week. Just to give you the lay of the land of my new apartment, there is a nice little courtyard area out the front, off the lounge/dining room, and another small outdoor area out the back, through the laundry, with a clothesline. This back area is very enclosed by the house, the garage and very close neighbours all around. An exciting feature of the laundry door leading out to this back area is a doggy-door. Which is awesome, except Joia has never used a doggy-door before, so it is going to take some time to train her.
Anyway, last week was a full-on week, with the move and the launch of my new book, TEARS of Joy. So, I was loving any sleep I could get. I went to bed on Wednesday night after my online book launch, feeling happy and inspired. At midnight, I heard the unmistakable squeaking of my little Maltese Shih Tzu, who wanted to go out. Tragically, I had not trained her how to use the doggy-door yet. So, I got up, let her out. After about 5 minutes she came back in, and I went back to bed. At 2am, it happened again. Aaagh! With love I got up, let her out and was back in bed 5 minutes later. You won’t believe what happened at 3:30am! Yep, again with the squeaking!
This time I decided I would show her the doggy-door and leave her to decide if she wanted to use it or not. There is a fly-wire door that needed to be propped open so she could get through the doggy-door. I went outside, propped the fly-wire screen door open, just as the laundry door swung closed behind me. Little did I know at that time, the deadlock had not been unlatched. So, yes, you guessed it. At 3:30am in my PJ shorts and t-shirt, I was locked out of my house, with no keys and no way back in.
My initial reaction was panic. Then, I woke up a bit and realised the gravity of the situation. I had no keys, no phone and no way into my house, or even out into the street. Whilst I could get into my garage through a backdoor, the garage door itself was locked. Even if I could get out into the street, what would I do then? So, as you can imagine my brain was scrambling for ideas and a solution. Whilst my situation seemed hopeless, I knew someway and somehow there was a solution.
I thought to myself, there has to be a way back in. Aha, the doggy-door! I got on all fours and tried to squeeze my way through the doggy-door, and almost got stuck. Nope, no good. I tried a couple of other times from different angles, with different strategies, but each time, I almost got stuck. Joia was inside looking at me as if I were a lunatic. In my mind, I was thinking about the neighbours, who had a two-storey townhouse with a window overlooking this outdoor area. If they heard some commotion and looked, they would have seen my butt hanging out of the doggy-door!
I went into the garage, found a screwdriver, and unscrewed the doggy-door, thinking that would give me more room to get through. Nope. Now I just had a hole in the door with splintered edges that hurt even more as I tried to get in. As I was halfway through the doggy-door, I looked up at the handle, and then a little higher was the deadlock. Maybe I could reach it. Well, I tried as hard as possible, imagining my arm was rubber, but was not even close. I tried to reach it with the screwdriver, still no luck. Then finally, I found my hammer. No, not to smash in the door, although I was tempted! I grabbed the head of the hammer and reached up, the rubber coated handle caught the deadlocked and slid it into the unlocked position, and the door was open. Problem solved!
At 4am, I fell back into bed, grazed and exhausted, and slept soundly till my alarm went off at 5:30am! I think conservatively, I had maybe three hours sleep the whole night. But do you know what? I didn’t care. I was back in my house and the problem was solved. I am grateful, that I have a solution-oriented mindset. I knew there had to be a way, and there was. In my podcast this week, called Clarity is King, I speak with self-leadership guru John Carroll about the power of clearly knowing what you want.
There is something powerful about believing that there is a solution. When you do, your mind switches on and starts coming up with ideas that can help solve the problem. Had I believed there was no solution, I would have switched my brain off, and might still be stuck in my back courtyard right now. So, as you are trying to get unstuck, or find your way through an undesirable situation, jut know in your heart that there is always a solution and trust me, when you do, the solution will appear.
by admin | 4 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
As I sit here and write this week’s blog, I am doing so on the first day from my new home. I am running on adrenaline and about 2 hours sleep! My day yesterday (Friday) started at about 5:00am and, as I fell into bed after midnight last night, I reflected on the day just gone. I thought about everything that I had accomplished, and I realised that, honestly, you just do what you have to do, right?
Yesterday was move day, and it had been coming for a while, so you would have thought I would be more ready and organised! What can I say? This house moving adventure has been fraught with opportunities for personal growth. That’s a nice way of swearing out loud and having a tantrum without really doing it! I have had challenges with real estate agents, content insurance providers, refrigerators and then, on the day before moving the one provider you don’t want to have hassles with, the removalist. I won’t go into the details, but less than 24 hours before moving, I was looking for a new removalist. Thanks to God, I found one.
I couldn’t sleep on Thursday night, as I had too many things going through my mind. So, I was up at 5am on Friday. As I walked through a home that was supposed to be moved that day, I was overwhelmed! Thankfully, I had the calming influence and amazing help of my beautiful partner, Deb. We went through each room, and packed for several hours and then, we took two carloads to the new place. We unpacked, had lunch, and I waited for some tradies to do their thing. Then I had to get back to meet the removalists at 5pm. It was the only time they could do, as they were doing me a favour and adding another job onto their Friday.
After about 2 hours of frantically getting ready for them, they arrived at about 6pm, to get started. Now, these two amazing guys, had already moved three houses before coming to me. I was number four. I stopped complaining immediately. You see, you do what you gotta do, no matter how tough it may seem. Over the next 90 mins, the three of us put the contents of my home into their truck, just in time for a regular radio segment I do on 3AW, a prominent radio station in Melbourne. The removal guys headed off in their truck, and I sat in an empty house talking to Denis Walter on 3AW about using emotion for good. Incredibly, I felt fantastic.
I got to my new place at 8:30pm and we unloaded the truck and the incredible removal guys left at about 10pm, after, what was for them, a mammoth day. I had to take a new fridge out its box and set it up, make my bed, eat some food, start to make some kind of order out of the chaos, and then I fell into bed. When I think about everything that happened, I was amazed how I did it all. But then, you do what you gotta do! The impossible becomes possible when it’s something you gotta do. The energy is there to burn when it’s something you gotta do. Capacity, potential and ability appear when it’s something you gotta do.
This is great news for all of us. We often look at the things we want to have, do or achieve and talk ourselves out of because we doubt our ability. There may be things we start and then give up on because we make excuses about lack of time, not enough money or undesirable circumstances. The reality is, and I will say it again: we do, what we gotta do! The reason most people never start, or if they do, give up on things they are aspiring to is because they don’t categorise it in their mind as something they gotta do! The second you make something non-negotiable, the job is done, no matter how unlikely it may seem.
In my podcast this week with Jan Cocks-Salvemini, called The bright red boot, Jan talks about her mission to change the word ‘disabled’ to ‘para-abled’. She plans on going to the United Nations and stating her case in front of the World Health Organisation to make it happen. I have no doubt she will get it done, and you will agree as you listen to her talk. The reason is because she has decided it is something she must do. And you know what that means, right? When you make a decision that something you want is something that has to be done, you will go ahead and make it happen, no matter what others may think. Why? Because you do what you gotta do!
by admin | 27 Nov, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
Logic tells us – based on previous experiences, current skills & abilities and logistical & organisational factors – what is possible for us. This can be incredibly limiting. I am not saying there are times when having a logical mind is a bad thing, in fact at times it is essential. What I am saying, when we use this type of logic to assess what is possible for our lives, we are potentially destroying our chances of achieving great things and living our best life.
I know that sounds like a big and bold statement. I also know I am ruffling some feathers and that there are people who violently disagree with me on this point. What I do know for 100% fact, is that I would not be sitting here launching my eighth book, TEARS of Joy, if I was led by logic. Let’s face it, when you own two businesses, one failing, work 15-hour days, seven days per week, logic would suggest that you have no time to invest in writing a book. When you struggled with English at school, don’t read, and have no background, experience or qualifications in writing, logic would indicate that you are not equipped to become an author. If I was a logical thinker, I know I would have talked myself out of that crazy idea within moments of it entering my mind.
The question then is, why didn’t I follow a ‘logical’ way of thinking? I will tell you exactly why. A logical way of thinking had led me to the darkest place in my life. Logic tells us to get an education. Logic suggests we need to get a qualification. Logic indicates we need to know what we want to do. Logic leads us to a job or career that will provide some security. Logic places value on societal norms and stereotypes. Logic led me to be working seven days per week in two businesses and, at the time I made the decision to write my first book, I was in close to $100,000 debt. I was broke and I was broken! I was doing what I had learned: get an education, get a career, work hard and ‘she’ll be right mate!’
In a moment of despair, as I reflected on the tragic life I had created for myself, I asked myself an illogical question. Instead of asking the logical, what do I want to do now? I asked myself, So, Andrew, this is not how you want to be living, how do you want to live? This question sparked a bright, bold, colourful and illogical vision for the life I wanted to be living. I saw myself having a global impact, I saw myself travelling, I saw multiple streams of income and financial strength, I saw optimal wellbeing and great relationships, and I saw myself loving every second of every day. It all sounds too good to be true, right?
There is something very powerful about a big, bright and bold vision for the life you desire, whether it seems logical or not. In that moment of clarity, the most illogical idea I have ever had dropped into my mind, and I have had some illogical ideas in my life! The idea was to write a book. As illogical as it was, the idea came from somewhere for a reason, and even though I had no idea how to do it, I could see how being an author could help me live that life I envisioned. So, without any more analysis, I got excited, I got started that day, I took it one day at a time and today I am proud to say, as I launch TEARS of Joy, I am living the life I saw in that moment almost twenty years ago.
So, let me ask you a question. Is your logical mind stopping you from chasing things that could bring incredible joy into your life? Are you letting your past experiences determine your future achievements? Are you worried that lack of skills, talents, qualification, and experience will be a barrier to chasing a dream? And the most important question is this: are you ready to choose ‘illogical’ and chase those dreams anyway? You see, from my experience, success is not about luck, circumstances, skills, talents, intellect, or many of the other logical things people will make a decision based on. When you know what you want and why, there is a predictable process that will culminate in success if it is followed. That process is described in my book, TEARS of Joy.
In my latest podcast, TEARS of Joy, I was the guest and Deborah Stathis was the guest host, and we talked about my book and this process. My plan moving forward is to continually choose ‘illogical’, and I want to encourage you to do the same. Anything is possible for you, when you push logic to the side, focus on what you want, feel the joy and desire of accomplishment, take immediate action, and create powerful routines. When you do, success is the predictable outcome, and, trust me, it will have nothing to do with logic.
