by admin | 11 Feb, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
There is no doubt about it, there a theme in my focus this year, and it just keeps coming up. The more I talk with people, the more I think about success and the more I try to figure out this thing called life, the more clarity I am getting. I have always said that success is different for everyone, but I think I was wrong. I suggest it may be the same for everyone, and I now believe that success is not a number or an achievement, but a feeling. A feeling that we all want.
The most common and accepted definition of the word ‘success’ is: The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted. Is it really? Is that true for you? When you think about the achievement of things that you have desired, planned, or attempted, do you feel ultimately happy and successful? I may sound controversial here, but I don’t think so. I see and know many people, including myself, who have achieved things they have desired, planned, or attempted, yet would probably not consider themselves successful, and they are definitely not happy. I thought being a professional footballer, having an impressive body, being a speaker and an author would represent success for me. Whilst I am proud of my achievements, to me they don’t represent success, nor did they make me happy.
Society pushes us to believe and strive for external achievement as a measure of success. An IQ, a bank balance, a body type, a title and an ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) score. I spoke to a group of year 12 students at a high school this week, and as I drove into the school, out the front was a big lit up sign highlighting the wonderful results and ATAR scores the school achieved in 2021. As I started speaking to these students, I asked them how they felt about the achievement of the 2021 year 12 students. In no uncertain terms, they told me they felt incredible pressure, were stressed, anxious and fearful of not living up to this lofty standard. They had been sold, just as you and I are sold every day from every direction, that success is a number, a score, or an achievement. It’s not, it’s a feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, we need numbers, as they help us measure progress and improve, but they do not represent success. Success is the same for every person on the planet, which is a total contradiction to what I have said for most of my life. Success is a feeling we all want to experience. It is love, joy, gratitude, peace, fulfilment, and contentment. Interestingly, this has no reflection, basis, or dependence on money, status or any of the other common measures of ‘success’. If I feel joyful, loved, loving, peaceful, grateful, and fulfilled, I don’t care what I do, how much money I have, where I live, what car I drive or whether I have a six-pack and buns of steel. On the flip side, if I have money, prestige, looks, and status, yet I live with fear, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, resentment, and frustration, then could I possibly call myself successful? I don’t think so.
So, based on what I have just tried to explain, are you ready to check your level of success? Keeping in mind that feelings will fluctuate throughout each day, and we cannot be happy all the time, would you say your general emotional state, each day, includes any or all of: joy, love, peace, gratitude, contentment and fulfilment? If so, to my way of thinking you are successful. If you are being honest with yourself and determine that your general emotional state, each day, includes anxiety, anger, resentment, frustration, uncertainty and/or fear, then I believe your life would be transformed if you changed your focus and your definition of success.
If you want to know how to be successful today and every day for the rest of your life, then, I believe, you need to stop measuring success on external things, scores, numbers, and achievements, and start looking inside. To help you get started on this journey, if that’s what you want, I encourage you to listen to my podcast this week called, The third dimension, with ex AFL star Shaun Hart. In this conversation he talks about developing the six areas of our third, spiritual dimension of life, which includes identity, purpose, significance, character, value and self-worth.
When you are clear on who you are, when you know what drives you, when you can see and feel the impact you are having on lives, when you believe in your character and value, then you will grow strong in self-worth. With these six areas in place, trust me, you will feel joy, love, peace, gratitude, contentment, and fulfilment every day. This my friend is the feeling of success and once you have it, every day becomes a pleasure and all the other aspirations you have in your life will naturally come to you as a result. Feel your success today.
by admin | 5 Feb, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
Sometime my mouth goes off without my brain engaging! Do you know what I am talking about? Something happens, someone says something, I don’t get what I want, or things don’t go the way I have planned and, before I know it, words have come out of my mouth either to myself or someone else, I wish I could take back. I still have to learn when to keep my mouth closed.
I had a podcast conversation with the amazing Tammy Van Wisse, world record breaking marathon swimmer, a couple of weeks ago. If you didn’t hear it, I recommend it whole-heartedly. She has swum over 65000km in her career, including: the English Channel, the Bass Strait, Loch Ness, the length of the Murray River (Australia’s longest river), New York to New Jersey, just to name a few. She also swam in and won a race around Manhattan Island in New York. Before this particular race all swimmers were warned that there was a sewerage plant on the course, and to take a wide berth when they got near it.
I don’t know about you, but if I was swimming near it or through it, I would be keeping my mouth firmly closed with no chance of any of that sewerage getting in. In fact, as Tammy and I were chatting, she said, when you are swimming through the shit, keep your mouth closed! Now, this is not just great advice for swimmers swimming through sewerage, but also a great metaphor for life. There are many times in life when we could use the analogy of swimming through sewerage, right? You may be swimming through some unpleasantness as you read this. If you are, take it from Tammy… keep your mouth closed.
When we are going through challenging times, we tend to become more vocal. Have you noticed that? However, often the stuff we vocalise is not useful. In fact, often it is damaging to ourselves and others. Has someone ever said or done something that you perceived as offensive or insulting, then responded with a verbal barrage that you later regretted? We have all done that. In hindsight, don’t you agree it would have been far better to keep your mouth closed? Have you ever tried something that didn’t work and started telling yourself how inept and useless you are? I believe we have all done it, and again, it would have been preferable to keep your mouth closed. Have you ever found yourself going through challenges and adversity as you aspire to create a result? Yes, we all have. Have you ever found yourself verbalising and justifying why it would be better to just give up? At that moment, it is definitely time to keep your mouth shut.
We are the creators of our own destiny. In other words, we are the captains of our own ship. Whether that ship sails into a beautiful sunset or into an iceberg depends on your willingness to keep your mouth shut when you are navigating through the storm. When it is so tempting to say something defensive, aggressive, or insulting, bite your tongue. When the urge is strong to complain, blame or justify, sew your lips together. When your natural tendency moves you to declare you are not good enough and that giving up on your dream is the best option, please for your own sake, close your mouth.
This is a simple but powerful message I hope you are getting. In my podcast this week called, Other side of the mic, with radio announcer Elerrina McPherson, she explains the challenges as she pursued her dream to be on radio. Trust me, she swam through an ocean of sewerage, and despite the challenges, the negative opinions of others and the time it took, she just kept her mouth closed and kept swimming. She is now living her dream and impacting many lives.
Even as you read this blog, you may be wanting to open your mouth and declare that it is rubbish, won’t work for you or why you can’t do it. Please for your own sake, keep your mouth closed. You can do, become or have anything you set your mind to if you: are clear on what you want, get into action, keep going – even when the sewerage comes – and, keep your mouth closed.
by admin | 29 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
I am on a mission in 2022 to help myself and others win. Win what? Win in life. Win in our hearts. Win back self-worth and self-love. Win with others. Win fulfilment. Win meaning. Win love. Just win in your world. Not only do I want to help people win, but I want them to win each day with each action they take, no matter the outcome of that action. We live in a world that teaches a win-lose approach to life, so I want to introduce a win-win alternative.
I have already spoken about new years resolutions, and how they put enormous pressure on people to achieve a goal or outcome that they perceive will make them happy, healthy, admired, or successful. The greatest challenge I see with this type of approach is that it leads to a win-lose situation. In other words, if I achieve my goal, I win and if I don’t, then I lose. The other challenge I see, is one I have experienced many times in my life. That is, the achievement of the goal does not lead to happiness, health, admiration, or success. There is no way that any external achievement can fill the internal void that most of us have.
That is why I coined the phrase, new year’s restitution as an alternate way to approach 2022. The definition of ‘restitution’ is, the act of restoring to the rightful owner that which has been taken away, lost, or surrendered. If we have a void within us, such as lack of self-worth, self-belief, confidence or love, no amount of external goal achievement will change it. And, if it does, it will be short-term. So, the way to restore what has been taken away, lost, or surrendered and create long-term inner joy, happiness, fulfillment, and success is to shift the focus from the win-lose outcome to the win-win process.
If we shift our focus to taking action every day, then two things will happen. Firstly, it is a no-lose situation, because simply taking the action is a win. So, each day, maybe multiple times every day, you get to enjoy and celebrate the feeling of winning. Secondly, by committing to daily action, and continuing to act each day, the things you want to achieve will happen predictably. When I decided to write my first book, I was working over 100 hours per week in two businesses. So, to be very honest, the thought of writing whole book was intimidating and overwhelming. I knew, however, I could write a handful of words each day, and that became my strategy and focus. I wrote a little bit, I felt like a winner, I celebrated, and I did that each day. Guess what happened? With that focus on the simple win-win action every day, I ended up with a book. It was not luck, talent, ability, or willpower. It was winning each day.
With each day that I acted, doing what seemed like an insignificant amount of writing, my confidence grew, my self-belief was being restored and I started to regain the self-worth I had lost. Not only that, but I became an author and transformed my life. It didn’t happen in a day, it happened day-by-day. There were days when I didn’t feel like it. I did it anyway and celebrated. There were days when what I wrote was terrible. I did it anyway and celebrated. There were days when I didn’t know if it would ever be finished. I did it anyway and celebrated. No matter what, the action I took was the win.
The action you take will always be a win, even if it doesn’t return the result you want. I mean, you may be making phones calls to sell, book, or connect that go horribly wrong. You will learn something. That’s a win, so celebrate. You may audition for a show, go for an interview for a job or send a manuscript to a publisher, and get rejected. It will build your resilience and determination, and help you find exactly what you are after. That’s a win, so celebrate. No matter what the action is or what the outcome, it is always a win-win situation, and will always lead to what you ultimately want in life… joy, happiness, fulfillment, and success.
Are you ready to make 2022 a win-win year? Then all you need to do it focus on the actions you take each and every day. In my podcast this week called, Going the distance, with world record breaking marathon swimmer Tammy Van Wisse, she talks about how her amazing achievements in swimming happened just one stroke at a time. The same will happen for you. Let daily action be the win, and then, as a result, enjoy what you predictably create in your life. Trust me, this is a game-changer. Celebrate winning today.
by admin | 22 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
It is an incredible privilege being a human. I have spoken before about the infinitesimal odds of our existence. I want to remind you, so you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are very special, that your being alive is no accident and that you are here for a purpose. At that wonderful moment when your life began, the chances of your conception were one in 300 million. That is how many sperm raced off in pursuit of fertilising one solitary egg. Now think about the chances of your parents meeting, and the odds of each of them being born. What about your grandparents, great grandparents, great great grandparents, and so on? Are you getting my drift? You are very special, and you are a human. The secret, I have found, to health, happiness and meaning in life is learning how to be a human.
Whilst we would all acknowledge that we are human beings, I think we often expect from ourselves and others that which goes beyond the capability and capacity of being human. How many times have you beaten yourself up for making a mistake, saying, or doing the wrong thing, putting something off or giving something up? How many times have you been impatient, frustrated, or angry with another person for behaving in a way that you also do? I am talking about myself right now, and just hope it may resonate with you.
I am my own harshest critic, as you probably are of yourself. I regularly beat myself up for not doing something, missing something obvious, saying the wrong thing, or making a choice that, upon reflection, may not have been the best option. Even just this morning, as I was on the phone trying to get my internet restored after two days without it, I was more impatient with the person trying to help me than I should have been. I hung up the phone and gave myself a good talking to. Yesterday, I put off doing something I should’ve done and beat myself up for being lazy. The day before, I sent an email proposal for a corporate program and, just as I hit send, I started doubting how good it was, what I should’ve included and, yet again, I was way too hard on myself. Sound familiar? Stressful, isn’t it? It is exhausting when you doubt, second guess and are unrealistic in your expectation of yourself.
Here is the deal. You and I are not perfect, we are a human. So, being human means that we accept ourselves for who we are, that we are not going to get everything right, that we are doing the best we can and that we are a wonderfully essential part of a family, community, country, and world. Being human also means that, once we accept our own imperfections, we accept and love the imperfections of others. In my blog this week with John Toomey called Bringing back virtue, we speak a lot about the way we treat other people. Have you ever noticed what you excuse and justify in your own behaviour you are critical of in someone else? I used to be consistently running late for meetings. Not over the top late, but 5-10 mins late. I used to justify it by saying things like, I am a busy person, it’s only 5 minutes and no big deal, the traffic was bad, or whatever other rubbish I would come up with. Then, if another person was late to a meeting with me, I would condemn them as being unreliable and disrespecting of my time. Crazy, right?
We treat others badly too often. The way we speak to customer service people, the way we drive, what we expect of others that we justify in ourselves, what we expect others to do for us that we don’t do for them and many other little things we don’t even consider. There is something so powerful about kindness, giving, complimenting, and encouraging others that helps us feel better about ourselves and makes the other persons day. I wrote a blog about my birthday last September, when I spent the day doing random acts of kindness for people. It is a birthday I will always remember, far more than any other. Why not try it today? Make someone smile, send someone a loving or encouraging message, compliment the person at the checkout, give someone a helping hand or a word of encouragement and then see how you feel.
This is what being human is all about, because like you, people are doing the best they can. In fact, the people that we often treat poorly are doing things we surely don’t want to do ourselves like emptying our bins, cleaning our homes or offices, fixing our plumbing, getting us connected to the internet again, serving our food and drinks or any other myriad of things. These people need to know how good a job they are doing and how they are making your life easier and better. So, today – not tomorrow – start really being human, by being kinder to yourself and others. Why? Because at the end of the day we are all imperfect human beings, and so let’s go out and spend our life being humans.
by admin | 15 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Mindset
During my time on this planet, I have lost many things. I have lost relationships, I have lost jobs, I have lost money, I have lost keys, I have lost condition, I have lost friends, I have lost business, I have lost my way and more recently, I have lost some freedom and choices as a result of COVID. When we focus on anything we can lose, we feel stressed, anxious, fearful, and discouraged. So, in my mind, it’s simple: only focus on what can’t be lost or taken away.
One of my favorite movies, and one most people would put in their top five, is The Shawshank Redemption. If you have never seen it, I would be surprised, but it’s set in the 1940’s to 1960’s and is about a young man, Andy Dufrene, wrongfully convicted of murder and sentenced for life to Shawshank prison, one of the toughest in the USA. After many years in prison, Andy does something that gets him in trouble and thrown into solitary confinement, referred to as ‘the hole’. After one month of isolation in a small, stinky, and dingy pit, he re-joins his inmates for breakfast… with a smile on his face.
The other prisoners know how horrendous time in ‘the hole’ is and so are a little perplexed as to why he is smiling. He tells them it wasn’t that bad, and they think he is a little crazy. Andy loves classical music, and so he tells them he had Mozart, Chopin, and beautiful operas to listen to while he was there. One of the other inmates asked, “So, did they let you tote your record player down there?” Andy replied, “No. It is in here (pointing to his head) and in here (pointing to his heart). That’s the thing about music, they can’t take that from me.”
I love this scene in the movie because it is such a powerful example of focusing on what cannot be taken away or lost. In prison, Andy already lost so much. He lost freedom. He lost dignity on many occasions. He lost time. He lost most of his choices. But, interestingly, after one month of the most brutal time in prison, in ‘the hole’, he returned with a smile and peace in his heart because he focused on what he could not lose. What a powerful lesson for us all as we navigate our way through a life when so many things can be lost or taken away.
Our society and culture, for so long, has put the most value on things that are outside of us, and to a large extent, outside of our control. Things like: how we look, what we do for a career, how much money we have in the bank, the car we drive, the house we live in, where we travel to, who we associate with and the type of person we end up with. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with these things, and I aspire to them also. However, if you are expecting happiness to be dependent on these external and, to a degree, superficial things, you are going to be waiting a long time to be happy. In fact, you can be pretty sure unhappiness, anxiety, stress, and frustration will be the result? Why? Because you are focusing on things that you can lose. I mean, as handsome as I am now, I won’t always be so hot!! Just in case you were wondering, that is a joke LOL.
Like Andy Dufrene, we need to focus most of our attention on what is inside of us, and what no-one can take away from us. No-one can take your self-talk from you, so, be very deliberate about how you speak to yourself. No-one can steal your identity, so hold on to who you are with all of your might. You can’t lose your values; they are what you hold dear to you. No-one can take gratitude from you, and with deliberate attention, you can always find something to be grateful for. You can never lose the love you feel for music, dance, writing and creativity. It is yours forever. You will always have the love you feel for your partner, your parents, your children, and the people most important in your life. Focus always on that love. You can’t lose the feeling of joy when you do something kind for another person. Not only will you feel joy, but you will start a ripple effect of kindness and giving that will impact many lives.
I had the most amazing conversation with Craig Harper on my podcast this week, called New Year’s Restitution. Craig so beautifully discussed this idea with me. That is, we are already good enough. The external things we are chasing, will come to us naturally and easily when we start to focus on what we can’t lose. Focus on what is inside, focus on your identity, focus on your values, focus on how you perceive the world and circumstances around you. When you do this internal work, your external world will change for the better. All you have to do is focus on what you can’t lose.
by admin | 8 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
There are times I think back on things I have done and said in my life, and cringe. There are even times, just as something is coming out of my mouth, I am saying to myself, Nooo, don’t say it, stop this now! But it’s often too late. It’s out there and it can’t be sucked back in, rewound, or erased. Then, I have to deal with the consequences of my poor choices, thoughtless actions or spontaneous words. Whilst these things can’t be undone; they can be incredibly useful.
I joke now, even though it was no joke at the time, about how I spent much of my younger years, returning to places and people to apologise for dumb stuff that I said and did. I was such an insecure person, without really understanding why or doing any internal research to gain awareness of my behaviours. I was often doing things to get attention, be liked or gain some confidence. I would do and say things to make myself look better than other people, even if it offended them. Once done, it couldn’t be undone. I would regularly drink excessive amounts of alcohol for the false façade that came with the effects of alcohol. Again, I would say and do things that seemed funny to me at the time yet were incredibly inappropriate. Again, once done, they could not be undone.
For so long I would go along in my life just thinking to myself, I don’t really like me very much, and I don’t like how I often feel about myself or the things I regularly say and do. But that’s just me, what can I do about it? With that attitude and belief, I just accepted myself as I was, and so I stayed in that place – doing the same things, feeling the same regret, and feeling stuck – for far too long. At that time in my life, I was just doing the best I could. I was doing what I knew and I didn’t know that I could change.
I believe there comes a time in all of our lives when we feel so disgusted, so stuck and so frustrated that we make a decision to do something different. That moment has come to me several times in my life, but most recently soon after my third marriage ended in the second half of 2019. It was a moment when I thought about my life, where I was at, and all the things I had said and done that could not be undone. I decided that I would no longer accept this version of myself and that things must change. Whilst I could not undo the things from my past, I could use them to help me become a better man and a better person.
I started to reflect on myself, my beliefs and my behaviours in an attempt to understand myself. Wow, was that ever an interesting and enlightening process? As I understood more about the impact of my upbringing, my parents, my influences, my hard-wiring, and my experiences it helped to explain why I was the way I was. Immediately, I felt lighter, and I could see a way out. I decided to accept myself for the person I was, my flaws, faults, and all. I decided to pray for forgiveness for all the things I had said and done that could not be undone. I felt a wave of peace and self-love wash over me, and I was a changed man.
Whilst there were so many things I had done and said that I regretted and wished had never happened, I was able to use them and learn about myself, then start the process of positive change. This is a powerful realisation that I want to share with you this week in the hope that it may inspire you to go on your own journey. It was Maya Angelou who said, I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better. Whilst things you have done, when you knew what you knew back then, cannot be undone, you can learn from them and do better in the future.
I hope this is resonating with you and giving you some peace about your past. You are a wonderful person, and you are doing the best you can. Are you perfect? Nope. Will you make mistakes that can’t be undone? Yep. Can you learn something every day? If you choose to. When we really understand ourselves, it’s amazing what can change in our lives. In my podcast this week with Matheo Galatis called Your transformational why, we discuss some ideas that will really help with this understanding.
As you move forward from today, remember, you can’t change your past, but you can learn from it. Even as you evolve and move forward from today, you will make mistakes and poor choices, which just means you are a human, and a glorious one at that. When you do or say something that you regret and can’t undo, just resolve to learn from it and get a little better each day.
