by admin | 22 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
It is an incredible privilege being a human. I have spoken before about the infinitesimal odds of our existence. I want to remind you, so you know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are very special, that your being alive is no accident and that you are here for a purpose. At that wonderful moment when your life began, the chances of your conception were one in 300 million. That is how many sperm raced off in pursuit of fertilising one solitary egg. Now think about the chances of your parents meeting, and the odds of each of them being born. What about your grandparents, great grandparents, great great grandparents, and so on? Are you getting my drift? You are very special, and you are a human. The secret, I have found, to health, happiness and meaning in life is learning how to be a human.
Whilst we would all acknowledge that we are human beings, I think we often expect from ourselves and others that which goes beyond the capability and capacity of being human. How many times have you beaten yourself up for making a mistake, saying, or doing the wrong thing, putting something off or giving something up? How many times have you been impatient, frustrated, or angry with another person for behaving in a way that you also do? I am talking about myself right now, and just hope it may resonate with you.
I am my own harshest critic, as you probably are of yourself. I regularly beat myself up for not doing something, missing something obvious, saying the wrong thing, or making a choice that, upon reflection, may not have been the best option. Even just this morning, as I was on the phone trying to get my internet restored after two days without it, I was more impatient with the person trying to help me than I should have been. I hung up the phone and gave myself a good talking to. Yesterday, I put off doing something I should’ve done and beat myself up for being lazy. The day before, I sent an email proposal for a corporate program and, just as I hit send, I started doubting how good it was, what I should’ve included and, yet again, I was way too hard on myself. Sound familiar? Stressful, isn’t it? It is exhausting when you doubt, second guess and are unrealistic in your expectation of yourself.
Here is the deal. You and I are not perfect, we are a human. So, being human means that we accept ourselves for who we are, that we are not going to get everything right, that we are doing the best we can and that we are a wonderfully essential part of a family, community, country, and world. Being human also means that, once we accept our own imperfections, we accept and love the imperfections of others. In my blog this week with John Toomey called Bringing back virtue, we speak a lot about the way we treat other people. Have you ever noticed what you excuse and justify in your own behaviour you are critical of in someone else? I used to be consistently running late for meetings. Not over the top late, but 5-10 mins late. I used to justify it by saying things like, I am a busy person, it’s only 5 minutes and no big deal, the traffic was bad, or whatever other rubbish I would come up with. Then, if another person was late to a meeting with me, I would condemn them as being unreliable and disrespecting of my time. Crazy, right?
We treat others badly too often. The way we speak to customer service people, the way we drive, what we expect of others that we justify in ourselves, what we expect others to do for us that we don’t do for them and many other little things we don’t even consider. There is something so powerful about kindness, giving, complimenting, and encouraging others that helps us feel better about ourselves and makes the other persons day. I wrote a blog about my birthday last September, when I spent the day doing random acts of kindness for people. It is a birthday I will always remember, far more than any other. Why not try it today? Make someone smile, send someone a loving or encouraging message, compliment the person at the checkout, give someone a helping hand or a word of encouragement and then see how you feel.
This is what being human is all about, because like you, people are doing the best they can. In fact, the people that we often treat poorly are doing things we surely don’t want to do ourselves like emptying our bins, cleaning our homes or offices, fixing our plumbing, getting us connected to the internet again, serving our food and drinks or any other myriad of things. These people need to know how good a job they are doing and how they are making your life easier and better. So, today – not tomorrow – start really being human, by being kinder to yourself and others. Why? Because at the end of the day we are all imperfect human beings, and so let’s go out and spend our life being humans.
by admin | 8 Jan, 2022 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
There are times I think back on things I have done and said in my life, and cringe. There are even times, just as something is coming out of my mouth, I am saying to myself, Nooo, don’t say it, stop this now! But it’s often too late. It’s out there and it can’t be sucked back in, rewound, or erased. Then, I have to deal with the consequences of my poor choices, thoughtless actions or spontaneous words. Whilst these things can’t be undone; they can be incredibly useful.
I joke now, even though it was no joke at the time, about how I spent much of my younger years, returning to places and people to apologise for dumb stuff that I said and did. I was such an insecure person, without really understanding why or doing any internal research to gain awareness of my behaviours. I was often doing things to get attention, be liked or gain some confidence. I would do and say things to make myself look better than other people, even if it offended them. Once done, it couldn’t be undone. I would regularly drink excessive amounts of alcohol for the false façade that came with the effects of alcohol. Again, I would say and do things that seemed funny to me at the time yet were incredibly inappropriate. Again, once done, they could not be undone.
For so long I would go along in my life just thinking to myself, I don’t really like me very much, and I don’t like how I often feel about myself or the things I regularly say and do. But that’s just me, what can I do about it? With that attitude and belief, I just accepted myself as I was, and so I stayed in that place – doing the same things, feeling the same regret, and feeling stuck – for far too long. At that time in my life, I was just doing the best I could. I was doing what I knew and I didn’t know that I could change.
I believe there comes a time in all of our lives when we feel so disgusted, so stuck and so frustrated that we make a decision to do something different. That moment has come to me several times in my life, but most recently soon after my third marriage ended in the second half of 2019. It was a moment when I thought about my life, where I was at, and all the things I had said and done that could not be undone. I decided that I would no longer accept this version of myself and that things must change. Whilst I could not undo the things from my past, I could use them to help me become a better man and a better person.
I started to reflect on myself, my beliefs and my behaviours in an attempt to understand myself. Wow, was that ever an interesting and enlightening process? As I understood more about the impact of my upbringing, my parents, my influences, my hard-wiring, and my experiences it helped to explain why I was the way I was. Immediately, I felt lighter, and I could see a way out. I decided to accept myself for the person I was, my flaws, faults, and all. I decided to pray for forgiveness for all the things I had said and done that could not be undone. I felt a wave of peace and self-love wash over me, and I was a changed man.
Whilst there were so many things I had done and said that I regretted and wished had never happened, I was able to use them and learn about myself, then start the process of positive change. This is a powerful realisation that I want to share with you this week in the hope that it may inspire you to go on your own journey. It was Maya Angelou who said, I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better. Whilst things you have done, when you knew what you knew back then, cannot be undone, you can learn from them and do better in the future.
I hope this is resonating with you and giving you some peace about your past. You are a wonderful person, and you are doing the best you can. Are you perfect? Nope. Will you make mistakes that can’t be undone? Yep. Can you learn something every day? If you choose to. When we really understand ourselves, it’s amazing what can change in our lives. In my podcast this week with Matheo Galatis called Your transformational why, we discuss some ideas that will really help with this understanding.
As you move forward from today, remember, you can’t change your past, but you can learn from it. Even as you evolve and move forward from today, you will make mistakes and poor choices, which just means you are a human, and a glorious one at that. When you do or say something that you regret and can’t undo, just resolve to learn from it and get a little better each day.
by admin | 30 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
It rolls off the tongue so easily, doesn’t it? A thick skin and a soft heart. Why then is it so difficult to achieve? Most people fall primarily into one of two main categories, and this is a gross generalisation. They are primarily soft-hearted and are more focussed on others, or they have a thick-skin and are harder to upset and offend. Which side of the ledger do you fall? For me, I have always had a soft heart, but pretended to have a thick skin. The most vulnerable type of person there is.
What can I say, I am a softy? I care about people, and I worry about what they think of me. Developing a thick skin has always been a tougher gig for me, even though I put up a pretty good front. I mean when you come into a professional sporting arena, you had better develop a thick skin pretty quickly or you are gone! I did a great job pretending that the criticising of coaches, the taunts of teammates and the abuse of opposing players and fans didn’t bother me. It did.
When I became a school teacher in my early twenties, I pretended I was this tough teacher and that the attitudes and behaviours of teenagers testing me and trying to push my buttons didn’t upset me. It did. When I became a personal trainer and started working in a fun but often ridiculing gym environment, I pretended the jokes about me didn’t affect me, because I would send them straight back. But, again, they did. There is no doubt, I was, I am and I will always be a soft, sooky-la-la, mama’s boy which I would never change because I love that sensitive part of me! However, I have also started to develop a thicker skin, which I believe is critical, to survive in the world we live in.
A real turning point for me happened at the end of 2019. I wrote a blog about this traumatic event, but had to take it down because of the possible repercussions. Now, two years later, I am happy to reshare it. It was in December 2019, and I was to present the third session to a group at a not-for-profit organisation. I was warned, before presenting the three sessions to three different groups, that they may be tough crowds. The first session was to a largely unresponsive audience, but not too tough. The second session was to a very responsive and positive group, so I approached session three with confidence and positive expectancy.
Wham! I was not prepared for what I got. From the beginning of the session and pretty much all the way through, I was heckled, bullied, questioned, and cajoled by one lady in the audience. I didn’t handle it well at all. It shook me, and as the session progressed, my confidence was sliding, my performance was waning, this lady tasted blood in the water, and went in for the kill. I clawed my way to the end of the session feeling embarrassed, belittled and, at the time, seriously questioning my ability as a speaker and my knowledge of the content I had been presenting for years.
I drove away feeling sick in my stomach, and like a miserable failure. But then, do you know what? Something changed inside me. I thought to myself, Wait a minute mate. You have presented that content hundreds of times and had a positive response every time, except today. Are you going to let one person, who obviously does not feel good about herself, make you feel like a failure? No way! All of a sudden, I felt differently. At that moment, I felt my skin thicken and no longer was I impacted by that lady’s behaviour. The other amazing thing that happened was that, instead of resenting and being angry with her, I felt empathy for her. She must have been going through some significant trauma in her life to treat me the way she did. In that moment, I discovered a thick skin and a soft heart.
Why am I telling you this story? Simply because, if you want an amazing 2022 and beyond, and I am sure you do, both elements are essential. You will know if you have a soft heart and a thin skin, you are often offended and fearful of trying new things. You will also know, if you have a thick skin without empathy for others, your relationships and consequently the things you are aspiring to, will be negatively impacted. For true success and joy in life, we need a balance of both. In my amazing podcast this week with Steve Pinner called Backbone and heart, we discuss this every topic, among other things.
By the time you are reading this blog it will be 2022. A new year, a new page, and a new opportunity to let go of the things that are holding you back to truly move forward to live your best life. I wish the very best for you this year and hope that you can develop a thick skin and a soft heart.
by admin | 24 Dec, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
I am in the process of writing my ninth book, which has a working title, The Male Machine. It is a book about men, for men and women to help us all understand men better, and hopefully navigate and negotiate the struggles and pitfalls men face on a daily basis. The chapter I am writing at the moment is all about damaging male stereotypes. The male stereotype that has possibly had the most destructive impact on my life is the shut-up-keep-it-to-yourself-no-one-want-to-hear-your-problems mindset.
I was an insecure child and person for much of my life, so, as a result, I was scared to speak my truth, share my concerns and be vulnerable because I believed I would be judged and condemned. Couple that with the male stereotype that states, just tough it out, don’t show weakness and keep it to yourself. Can you see the problems that can arise from this mindset?
I was the kind of guy who, when you asked me, how was my day? I would reply with Good. I was the guy, when asked what is wrong, I’d reply with, Nothing, even if it was plastered all over my face that something was wrong. I felt enormous pressure every time I was in a situation to have a conversation, whether one-on-one with someone or in a social setting. So, I avoided them or, if I had to be there, I would make sure I had drunk enough alcohol to give me the confidence to talk with lower inhibitions. That way I didn’t care as much about what I said. In fact, consequently I spent a lot of time as a young adult apologising the next day to people for inappropriate things I said whilst under the influence.
This is a dangerous stereotype that will devastate your life, in many ways. Firstly, it will have a crushing effect on your relationships, as it did mine. I am sitting here with three marriages and three divorces, with firsthand perspective to give you painful evidence of that. I never shared my feelings and I rarely spoke up when I was unhappy. Instead, I put on my mask and pretended everything was okay, when clearly it was not. You know what happens when you cover up an issue, or try to avoid a feeling, don’t you? It will set off a ticking time bomb, that will absolutely explode at some point. Unless it is diffused earlier, of course.
Well, my time bomb exploded in my face several times, leaving a devastating mess in its wake. Not only was it a large part of the reason for my three marriages, three divorces and many broken hearts, but there was another heart shattering revelation I faced. It came a couple of years after my beautiful mother had passed away. My father found her journals in a box and gave them to me to borrow with an invitation to read any or all of them, if I wanted to. As we know, people wear masks and try to cover up the deep pain and insecurities they don’t want others to see. We all do it, and I have spoken ad nauseum about the masks I wore.
I didn’t realise my mother was wearing a mask until I read one of the journals. In fact, the decision to read even one journal was a hard one to make. I sat there looking at the box of journals thinking, this is really not my business. But my desire to hear her voice again through her written word was strong, so I picked one up and started flicking through it. As I saw my name, I closed it and put it down, thinking again, this is none of my business. However, my curiosity was too strong to resist and so I picked it up again and read. As I read just a few paragraphs, my heart shattered, and tears filled up my eyes.
This male stereotype I had lived with for so long has caused nothing but devastating problems in my life, and now this! In that journal I read about my mother’s desire to talk with me on a deeper level, and her own frustration and pain as a result of my unwillingness to share my fears, insecurities and feelings with her. She wanted to talk with me about her journey, her experiences and her own fears and insecurities, but I avoided it because I was terrified to hear the truth of her illness, and to share how I really felt. So, I never told her how I felt, and she never got the chance to tell me. Can you imagine the pain and regret that filled my heart as I read those words?
Enough about the regrets. It is a new day, a fresh season, and the time to start to speak your truth. As you celebrate this festive season, I encourage you to make honesty and vulnerability the gift you give yourself and others. I am a different man, in a different place in my life now that I can openly share my truth, my insecurities, and my vulnerabilities. It is a powerfully uplifting experience and will bring you closer to yourself and to the people you care about most.
Yes, it is the season for joy. Yes, it is the season for celebration. Yes, it is the season for eating and indulging? Yes, it is the season for resting and renewing. Yes, it is the season for reflection. Yes, it is the season for family. Please, for your sake and the people you love, make it also the season for honesty. Have a wonderful holiday season.
PS This week’s podcast with Perry Venakis, called ‘Tis the season to be healthy‘ is all about eating mindfully at this time of the year. Couple your season with honesty and health and see what happens. My love and wishes to you and your family.
by admin | 27 Nov, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
Logic tells us – based on previous experiences, current skills & abilities and logistical & organisational factors – what is possible for us. This can be incredibly limiting. I am not saying there are times when having a logical mind is a bad thing, in fact at times it is essential. What I am saying, when we use this type of logic to assess what is possible for our lives, we are potentially destroying our chances of achieving great things and living our best life.
I know that sounds like a big and bold statement. I also know I am ruffling some feathers and that there are people who violently disagree with me on this point. What I do know for 100% fact, is that I would not be sitting here launching my eighth book, TEARS of Joy, if I was led by logic. Let’s face it, when you own two businesses, one failing, work 15-hour days, seven days per week, logic would suggest that you have no time to invest in writing a book. When you struggled with English at school, don’t read, and have no background, experience or qualifications in writing, logic would indicate that you are not equipped to become an author. If I was a logical thinker, I know I would have talked myself out of that crazy idea within moments of it entering my mind.
The question then is, why didn’t I follow a ‘logical’ way of thinking? I will tell you exactly why. A logical way of thinking had led me to the darkest place in my life. Logic tells us to get an education. Logic suggests we need to get a qualification. Logic indicates we need to know what we want to do. Logic leads us to a job or career that will provide some security. Logic places value on societal norms and stereotypes. Logic led me to be working seven days per week in two businesses and, at the time I made the decision to write my first book, I was in close to $100,000 debt. I was broke and I was broken! I was doing what I had learned: get an education, get a career, work hard and ‘she’ll be right mate!’
In a moment of despair, as I reflected on the tragic life I had created for myself, I asked myself an illogical question. Instead of asking the logical, what do I want to do now? I asked myself, So, Andrew, this is not how you want to be living, how do you want to live? This question sparked a bright, bold, colourful and illogical vision for the life I wanted to be living. I saw myself having a global impact, I saw myself travelling, I saw multiple streams of income and financial strength, I saw optimal wellbeing and great relationships, and I saw myself loving every second of every day. It all sounds too good to be true, right?
There is something very powerful about a big, bright and bold vision for the life you desire, whether it seems logical or not. In that moment of clarity, the most illogical idea I have ever had dropped into my mind, and I have had some illogical ideas in my life! The idea was to write a book. As illogical as it was, the idea came from somewhere for a reason, and even though I had no idea how to do it, I could see how being an author could help me live that life I envisioned. So, without any more analysis, I got excited, I got started that day, I took it one day at a time and today I am proud to say, as I launch TEARS of Joy, I am living the life I saw in that moment almost twenty years ago.
So, let me ask you a question. Is your logical mind stopping you from chasing things that could bring incredible joy into your life? Are you letting your past experiences determine your future achievements? Are you worried that lack of skills, talents, qualification, and experience will be a barrier to chasing a dream? And the most important question is this: are you ready to choose ‘illogical’ and chase those dreams anyway? You see, from my experience, success is not about luck, circumstances, skills, talents, intellect, or many of the other logical things people will make a decision based on. When you know what you want and why, there is a predictable process that will culminate in success if it is followed. That process is described in my book, TEARS of Joy.
In my latest podcast, TEARS of Joy, I was the guest and Deborah Stathis was the guest host, and we talked about my book and this process. My plan moving forward is to continually choose ‘illogical’, and I want to encourage you to do the same. Anything is possible for you, when you push logic to the side, focus on what you want, feel the joy and desire of accomplishment, take immediate action, and create powerful routines. When you do, success is the predictable outcome, and, trust me, it will have nothing to do with logic.
by admin | 22 Oct, 2021 | Andrew's Blog, Joyful Longevity
I am a far less self-absorbed human than I used to be. I still am to an extent, that’s for sure, but I am better. Do you know how I know that I am better? Simple, I am able to laugh at myself now, much more than I used to. When we are self-absorbed, we take everything personally and are way too serious. It is stressful and exhausting, and it will stop us from experiencing the joy that life has to offer. This week, I want to encourage you to laugh at yourself and make it a mission in life to find humour in everything that you can.
I am going to say something right now that is coming from my heart yet may sound harsh. I am saying it because, it was me and I wish someone would have said it to me many years ago. Are you ready? Here it goes: when you are insecure, you are high maintenance! There, I said it, now to justify it. When I was insecure, needing attention and validation, I thought I was humble and low maintenance, but I was the opposite. I was always needing someone else to help me feel good or better about myself, because I didn’t feel it inside. When something undesirable happened, I would search for sympathy, grasp for pity, and be offended by anyone who laughed at me. It was horrible because I never got what I wanted.
When you are hoping for others to react the way you want, you will regularly be disappointed and frustrated, because others will only do what they want to do, not what you want them to do. When you the person trying to console the insecure person, you will realise, very quickly, that no consolation can help, because what they want is nothing that you can provide. Things started to change for me when I was able to find humour in my situation. I am not sure why it helped, but it was the key to reducing stress, for everyone concerned.
I have told the story many times about my classy 1977 purple Holden Gemini, but for the sake of this blog, I will tell it again. I was about 20 years old, and at the time was in the middle of my professional football career. I woke up early one Sunday morning to get to a recovery training session. We had played the day before, and partied well into the wee hours, so I am sure you can imagine the state I was in. Let’s just say, I was not at my peak. The alarm went off, I rolled out of bed feeling very sore from the game and very seedy from the post-game. I got my training gear and headed out to my limousine, to drive to training. On reflection, I probably should not have been driving, however, it was the 80’s… say no more!
I got to my car to find that the driver side door was unlocked, which was strange as I always locked it. I was in no state to analyse or worry about it, so I got in the car, put my keys in the ignition, put on my seatbelt and went to grab the steering wheel. My hands grabbed air. I looked. I rubbed my eyes. I looked again. There was no steering wheel! Someone broke into my car and stole my steering wheel. I couldn’t understand it, and I was in no logical state to comprehend what had happened. I was distraught! Clearly, I could not drive the car anywhere, unless of course it was a straight road! So, I went in, woke up my dad and asked if he could drive me to training. He agreed.
I was really upset. Certainly, more upset than I should have been, that’s for sure. At that stage of my insecure and self-absorbed life, however, all I wanted was sympathy. I incorrectly assumed I would get it from a group of footballers. I walked into the change rooms, where 30-40 men were getting ready to train, with a distraught look on my face. They looked at me, and said, What’s wrong Jobbas, is everything okay? They genuinely thought something bad must have happened. So, I told them, fully expecting sympathy. Instead, within a few seconds, the whole group of men were rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.
I was so offended, and I kept telling them it wasn’t funny. Each time I did, the laughter and jokes grew louder and longer. I moped around for a while, I sucked my thumb for a few days, I had my little pity party and then I thought, do you know what, that is funny! I have been laughing about that story and at myself ever since.
Do you want to be happier? Do you want to be healthier? Do you want better relationships with yourself and others? Do you want to find joy in every area of life? Do you want to live a long and purposeful life of success and prosperity? I am sure you answered yes to all of those questions. The answer is simple, find humour. In my podcast with Craig Harper this week called Time to laugh, we discuss this is detail, and laugh a lot. What you look for, you will find. So, start looking for and you will start finding humour.
