Of all the things we humans want in life, I believe there is one thing that, for the majority of us, is most important. Yes, we want money, yes, we want success, yes, we want the car and the house, but I am learning more and more each day that what we want even more is a feeling of belonging. I know that is true for me. What I have also learned is that if I want to feel I belong, it is not just up to others to open their arms to me, I have a responsibility as well. Belonging is a two-way street.
There have been so many things presenting themselves to me over the last month or so that have highlighted the powerful need for belonging. Most recently over the last week or so. Last Friday night a group of men got together who had played football and connected together many decades earlier. This was an amazing opportunity to catch up and reconnect. What astounded me was a group of guys, I loved playing and being with, admitted that they never really felt part of the club. They never really felt they belonged. This was so jaw-dropping for me, because I always felt they were a strong part of the club and the culture, yet they didn’t feel the same way. I wondered what I could and should have done to help them feel they belonged.
It got me thinking about my own experiences as a player at the professional football club I was at for seven years earlier in my career. I felt the same. I never really felt that I belonged or was a valued member of the club. This was reinforced to me when I found out that I had been de-listed by reading it in the newspaper. When I have ever verbalised this to guys I played with, they, like I was last Friday, were surprised as they believed I was a valuable part of the fabric of the club. Again, my thoughts went to, how can clubs and groups do more to help every person feel valued and that they belong.
Then, last Sunday at Church, I was given another perspective on belonging. There was a group of people sitting enjoying some food and fellowship after the service when the senior pastor spoke about belonging. He said how important it was to create an environment that helps people feel valued and that they belong, but he also said something I had not ever considered. He said for a person to feel like they belong to any group, they must be actively engaged in that group and not just rely on others to feel they belong. In other words, it’s not just about others making us feel we belong, it is also very much about us making the effort and taking responsibility for our own feeling of belonging.
As I reflect on my time when I haven’t felt like I belonged, I had often held back and just waited for others to include me and help me feel valued. I didn’t step up to belong, I waited to be asked. If I had arrived believing I was worthy and a valuable part of the group, I know I would have been received the same way and that feeling of belonging would have been there. And if not, I would have known I was with the wrong crowd. It was a powerful lesson I learned at church. If I want to belong, as well as helping others feel they belong, I need to step up and take responsibility for my own belonging.
My podcast this week is called Crazy optimism, with Matt O’Neill. After growing up in a family in which he never felt good enough and never felt he belonged, he made a decision to shift his mindset. As a result, he gave himself the gift of belonging, the blessing of crazy optimism, and has now created a life for himself and his family that he loves. This is a powerful podcast I urge you to listen to.
How are you feeling at the moment? There is far too much loneliness and disconnectedness in this world, and it is causing problems that can be avoided if we just felt as if we belonged. If this is you, let me share something, you do belong. You belong to a family, you belong to a community, you belong to this world, and you are worthy. Belonging starts with you, stepping up and making yourself available to be a valuable part of a group. Whilst we do need others to help us feel valued, belonging is definitely a two-way street.