I am normally Mr Positive. In fact, I have been labelled by teenagers, at schools I have spoken at, as ‘The Positive Man.’ I like being referred to as positive. I mean it runs circles around the alternative, doesn’t it? Who wants to be known as a miserable, negative person? So, even though I have a positive mindset, and I can look at things with a creative and optimistic perspective, there are times when things just go all wrong. There are times, in all of our lives, when we experience the train-wreck. Well, I experienced a professional train-wreck this week and whilst, at the time, it was one of the most unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences of my speaking career, there are lessons that have come out of it that will help me move forward to become better at what I do. Whenever you experience a train-wreck, look at the rubble, learn the lessons and keep going.
I have been a professional speaker for more than twenty years. In that whole time, I have never experienced a more challenging situation than the one I had to face this week. I’m writing this blog for two main reasons; firstly, to share the story and lessons for you, and, secondly, to negotiate the pain for me. Writing is a great way to learn, heal and move on! On this particular personal growth day, I was speaking to a group who worked for a not-for-profit that dealt with helping and caring for homeless people. This was the third session of three I had done, with three different groups at three different sites. I was warned that they may be a tough crowd, but I was not prepared for what I got. The first session I did was a couple of weeks ago, and whilst the audience was quite unresponsive, they were not that tough. The second session I did, earlier this week, was great. The group were positive and receptive, and it was one of the best sessions I had ever done.
So, I walked into the third session feeling a little cocky and maybe over-confident. I had totally forgotten that I had been warned that they were a tough crowd. Now, I encourage skepticism, because I know some of the stuff I discuss is outside the normal mainstream approach, and I want to challenge people’s thinking a little. All I ask is that they have an open mind. Well, in the audience was a lady who I allowed to send my train spiralling off the rails and into a crumpled wreck on the side of the track. She was not skeptical, she was aggressive. She was not open-minded, she was very closed and strong-minded. She didn’t ask questions, she questioned everything I said. She seemed to take delight in making me feel uncomfortable and look bad. I knew it was going to be a tough day at the office as soon as she put her hand for the first time, of about ten times. About 10 minutes into this 60-minute talk, she said, ‘can I ask a question, since you are doing all the talking?’ That was an interesting question, especially since I was the speaker for the session! I nervously asked, ‘sure, what’s your question?’ In about 30 seconds I had wished I never asked.
Salvaging the wreck
From that first question, about every five to ten minutes this same lady would put up her hand and ask; ‘can I ask a question, since you are doing all the talking?’ Then the question that would follow, would be asked, not with a desire for an answer that clarifies anything, but for more chance to point out flaws in my comments, make me look bad, make herself look good or just because she was not a happy person. As the session went on, with every cynical comment she made and question she asked, my confidence was taking a beating and the atmosphere in the room was getting more and more heavy. I was watching some people squirming in their seats, feeling uncomfortable about how she was speaking. I noticed other people taking her comments seriously and then look at me as if I had no idea what I was talking about. Some people even got up and walked out during the session.
I have honestly never experienced anything like it in my life. When the session was over, there were lots of uncomfortable people, including myself, many who left very quickly. A couple of people came up to me, thanked me and said that they enjoyed my talk. I thanked them and tried to keep up appearances, but I was a crumpled train-wreck on the inside. I packed up quickly and left. It was a truly horrible experience, but, as much as it was a massive train-wreck, I knew there were things I was going to get from this session to help me learn, grow and become better at what I do.
I have to admit, I did suck-my-thumb for a while, and have a little pity party. Not for long though, I quickly lifted myself out of the pits and thought about all the great things I am doing and the lives I am positively impacting, and I thought, ‘I’m not going to let one person ruin that for me.’ Then, I did some critical analysis of myself and my performance to see if there was anything I could take from what she said, and I could. I realised there were some things that I could say differently and with more clarity to remove the risk of contradiction or confusion, so, I thank her for that. I was also reminded of the power that one person can have on the atmosphere in a room and on how other people feel. It reinforced to me why being positive, encouraging and supportive is something I will do for the rest of my long and happy life. Again, I thank her for that.
So, my train-wreck was horrible at the time, as they often are. The lessons that came from it, however, will help me refine my approach where needed, reinforce the things I am doing well, and, encourage me to do them better. I learned from my train-wreck. What about you? What is the disaster in your life at the moment? If there is no mess at the moment, enjoy, but just know it is coming, for that you can be sure. That’s not being negative, in fact, it’s been positive. What I’m saying is, get excited about challenges and train-wrecks in your life, because they will help you become better. Don’t waste the train-wreck. Learn from it and use it to grow as a person and become better at what you do. I promise you, that with reflection, you will find a positive, a lesson or an opportunity in every situation, no matter how horrible it may seem at the time.
As I sit here and get towards the end of this blog, I am feeling better. The negative comments, the looks of disdain and the people walking out on me, in that session, have lost their negative emotional charge. I now actually feel grateful for the experience. I feel like I needed that interaction to sharpen me and get me back into the zone I need to be in to make the impact on the world I am on this planet to make. If you ever get to the place where you feel your train sliding off the tracks and heading for a mangled wreck, then just know, on the other side of the train-wreck there will be lessons, wisdom and opportunity for success and abundance to grow from.
I was listening to a great speaker, Steve, very recently talking about how to turn discouragement into encouragement. He told a story about himself, which really resonated with me and inspired this week’s blog. He described himself as clean-freak, especially when it came to his car. He kept it in immaculate condition, at all times. It was cleaned, polished, shined and vacuumed to keep it looking pristine. One day he took his two young sons to play a soccer game. After he got home and the boys ran inside, he noticed mud from their boots and uniform all over his beautifully manicured car. He was immediately discouraged. He was stressed, worried and angry because he let his beautiful car fall into such a filthy state. This discouragement affected him, his mood, his relationships, and, pretty much everything. Then it all changed, when he decided to look at the mud again.
After some time of discouragement, anger, tantrums and negativity, Steve realised the bad place he was in and so decided to look again at the mud, this time from a different perspective. He now looked at it from the perspective of being a great father. He saw the mud, no longer as a mess, but as a reminder of what he is prepared to do for his boys. He saw the mud as a reflection of the relationship he had, and was creating, with his children. Do you think he stayed discouraged? No way. All of the sudden the mud was not so bad. All of a sudden, he didn’t see the mess, he saw love. All of a sudden, the mud made him smile and he felt encouraged. All this happened because he decided to look at the mud again. Hmmm, interesting.
When my beautiful little dog Joia came in from the back yard with a ball in her mouth and mud all over her face, it was easy to get upset with her, tell her off and worry about getting mud on the furniture. But looking again, the mud wasn’t really a problem at all. In fact, it represented joy for that little dog. She’d had a wonderful time digging in the garden and retrieving her ball, and, that made me happy. It always pays to look at the mud again, before jumping to the wrong conclusion.
What Steve is saying is that the problem may not be the problem you initially think it is, after you look at it with a fresh perspective. I’ve heard a great tongue-twisting saying that states; the problem is only a problem if you see the problem as a problem! We seem to be wired to look for the bad in circumstances, rather than the good, the blessing, the lesson or the opportunity. When you look at the mud again, you will often see the wonder that lies just beneath. When you look at conflict again, there is always the opportunity to strengthen a relationship. When you do something badly, look at it again, you will often see a way to do it better next time. When you lose a job or lose money, upon reflection, you will see great lessons and new opportunities arise to get a better job and make more money. When you lose someone close to you, and your heart is broken, over time and with perspective, you will find intense gratitude for what that person added to your life. We are often too quick to create the problem in our own mind, when it really isn’t as bad as it seems.
Don’t kick the dung!
Steve went on to talk about an experience he had with a cattle farmer when he was a child. This farmer was a friend of his father and was teaching Steve about cattle farming. He mentioned one statement the farmer had made to him that had stayed with him for many years. They were about to walk through a paddock that was littered with cow dung, when Steve commented on how bad it must smell. The farmer stopped, looked at him and said, ‘It only stinks if you kick it!’ Now, I am not a farmer, I do not have an intimate relationship with cow dung, nor can I tell you how bad it smell. What I have learned, however, is that dung, once deposited, very quickly develops a hard, outer cover, with the moist, pungent and meaty stuff hidden underneath. Leave it alone and it will bother nobody. But, kick it, break the outer cover and the stench will be released to the outside world for all to be repulsed by. Aren’t you glad you decided to read this week’s blog about mud and dung?!
The point is this, it’s not the event, the circumstance or the situation that’s the problem, it’s how you react and interact with it that can set off the stench. I don’t know about you, but for much of my life I have been very quick to jump to the worst conclusion about a situation, react and then just make it worse. Do you know what I’m talking about? The muddy car wasn’t really the problem for Steve, but if he’d really reacted, got angry with his boys for bringing muddy boots in the car, created some resentment, who knows what stench the kicked dung may have released.
When you take comments or statements from another person personally, and react, you have kicked the dung. When you are trying to lose weight and the scales go in the opposite direction overnight, and, you react by feeling like a failure then eating a donut, you have kicked the dung. When you lose a sale, or a client and react resentfully towards them, you have kicked the dung, and the stench could ripple out and affect many other areas of your life. When you blame someone else, you have kicked the dung. When you take your anger or frustration out on someone else, you have kicked the dung. When you believe a failure or rejection is a reflection on your ability, you have kicked the dung. All you have to do is, take some time to look at the mud again and you will realise that it’s not that bad, in fact it may be great.
A realtor was driving to an appointment, wearing a beautiful cream suit and drinking coffee, when a car pulled out in front of her. After slamming on the brakes, avoiding a collision and spilling coffee all over her suit, she went into blame, anger and road rage. She yelled at the other driver as she drove off to find somewhere to clean herself up. In her case, it wasn’t mud, or dung, it was coffee! She pulled into a convenience store, still fuming, and went to the bathroom to clean herself up. On her way out she got herself another coffee and went to the checkout to pay for it.
The girl at checkout, just trying to be friendly asked, ‘Did you spill something?’ With that, the realtor just got angrier and launched into a sarcastic and very insulting response to the young girl, who was left shell-shocked as the lady stormed out, got in her car and drove off. The little girl looked at the car, with the lady’s name and picture on it, and immediately rang her grandfather. He was about to use this same realtor to sell his $2 million farm, but, after the call from his granddaughter, he cancelled the deal with her and told many other people about this unpleasant agent. That one short interaction, because she kicked the dung, cost her $200,000, and, not to mention all the other lost sales that came as a result of grapevine gossip.
Had the realtor looked at the mud again, and realised it was not that bad, treated the girl with respect, who knows what may have happened. Instead, she kicked the dung and set off an almighty stench in her life. This week as things get messy, remember, before reacting, to look at the mud again.
I am so not a gardener. I am not inspired by gardening, I don’t dream about gardening and I really don’t even enjoy gardening. I do, however, love looking at beautiful gardens, I love walking through gardens and I love sitting in our backyard, that Laura has so wonderfully tended to, and enjoying the sounds, the smells, the calmness and the serenity. I just don’t want to be the person who does the backbreaking work to get it to that condition.
You see, to me it is backbreaking work, because that is my only experience with gardening. Anytime I have gone to work in a garden is because of necessity, not choice. It’s because I have let the garden get so overgrown with plants, weeds and rubbish, over such a long period of time through indifference, that it is no longer a simple and enjoyable pastime, instead it’s a horrendously tedious and painful chore. I do it only when I have to, but most of the time I avoid it like the plague. Laura, on the other hand, loves spending time in the garden and turning it into a place of beauty and serenity. For that I am very grateful.
Laura has a simple secret for her success as a gardener, and why she is able to enjoy it on a regular basis. It’s because, unlike me and many people I suspect, she pulls the weeds out as she goes. On a regular basis, maybe not daily but certainly weekly, she is scanning the garden and pulling out the weeds as she sees them, before they become monsters. Me, on the other hand won’t even notice weeds until one day, when the house is almost grown over with weeds, branches and bushes of every variety, I will say, ‘I think that needs some attention.’
Have you ever tried weeding and cleaning a garden that is overgrown and has turned into a jungle? Thankfully, it’s not something I have to do too often, but when I have, it’s been torture. For hours you pull weeds, get cut by grass and stabbed by thorns and then, when you stand up to look at the great work you have just done, there is hardly a scratch on the surface of the wilderness that is the backyard, yet, your hands are covered with cuts, scratched and grazes. When it comes to stuff I love, I will devote hours, days and even years to its pursuit. When it comes to chopping my way through a wayward, weed infested garden, I have no tolerance or staying power. I leave it for a few more months for the weeds I have pulled to grow back and even more to join them.
So clearly, the secret to a beautiful garden is not to leave it to a once a year backbreaking chore, but, turn it into a daily weeding and tidying process. It’s much easier to deal with the weeds that grow in one day, than it is to fight with the monster that has developed over an entire year. The bonus for you, this week, is that I’m giving you tips about how to look after your garden. Although, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, this blog is not about the garden outside, but the one between your ears.
Eliminate negative thoughts one day at a time…
The most fertile place in the world lies in the 6 inches between your ears. This lush garden bed has the potential of growing thoughts into any reality possible and helping you create the most amazing life you can dream of. It is also very vulnerable to the weeds of negative thoughts and beliefs which can easily grow into a forest of failure and frustration. The key is to be able to do the weeding, one day at a time, so that the negative thoughts don’t grow out of control and take a hold of your life. Now, if they have taken a hold and you feel like you are stuck or going backwards in life, then now is the perfect time to start the weeding process, Are you with me?
It’s almost a new year, and it’s another fresh start for you, if you choose to make it one. You can make 2019 anything you want, as long as you clean out the overgrown jungle of weeds that may have over-taken your mind. Step number one, whether you like it or not, is to spend some time clearing the junk and preparing your heart and mind for success. To do this, I want to help by offering you a NY’s gift. If you click here you will find a 60-minute video and some downloadable sheets to help you plan success and clear your mind for 2019. I would encourage you to set aside 90-minutes in the next couple of days to get the weeding over and done with, and, the plan in place.
The next step is pretty simple, just commit to taking the simple daily actions, you have decided upon, every single day, whether you feel like it, want to or not. This can be challenging, but it is very simple. The only reason why you may not stick to the course of action you have set yourself is because you have allowed the negative weeds start to grow back in your mind. So, I want to help you create a daily weeding strategy to ensure that your mind stays fertile, and the proper thoughts and actions grown into amazing success for you in 2019. How does that sound?
If you were focussed on your garden each day, every time you saw a weed you would say, ‘That weed doesn’t belong here’ and you would simply pull it out, right? The same thing can be done with your thoughts, if you are focussed on them every single day. Let’s say your goal for 2019, is to create better well-being for yourself. You have set a goal and decide upon some daily actions you need to turn into habits. As you are about to get up for your walk or run, if a thought comes into your head like, ‘I’m tired, I think I’ll give it a miss today.’ You can identify it as a weed and say, ‘That thought doesn’t belong here.’ Then you can simply replace it with, ‘I can’t wait to go for my walk/run because I know how great I will feel when it’s done.’
If later in the day, you are tempted by a muffin and think, ‘One muffin won’t kill me, and I don’t want to offend anyone.’ You will recognise it as a weed and say, ‘That thought doesn’t belong here.’ Then you can simply replace it with, ‘I would much rather have some fruit, because it will help me achieve my goals.’ Do you get the idea? When you do this on a daily basis, you will easily keep your garden clear of weeds and your mind fertile, positive and productive. This same strategy can and should be applied to every aspiration you have in any area of your life.
You truly are destined for great things, just as your garden is destined to be full of beautiful native plants and flowers. The only things that will stop you achieving your goals for 2019 and beyond are the weeds that you allow to grow in your mind. If they go unchecked, and they overgrow you will find yourself, this time next year, wondering why nothing changed. If you choose to do the weeding every single day, then your mind will stay clear, focussed, positive and will lead you to your best year so far and a future where anything is possible, and everything is probable. Keep the weeds clear each and every day.
